Isn’t it simply incredible what happens when you stop looking back and just focus on what you have and can achieve for your family?
It’s been a funny few weeks for us. Not funny in a full of laughs kind of way. Funny in a surprised but not so surprised, embarrassed but mostly not for ourselves, and yes, angry, but not enough to bother explaining. It’s been a period of time when I have come to realise that even the “best” people don’t have to keep your best interests at heart, when the “kindest” people can’t even admit they were wrong long enough to be sorry about it, and that sometimes the “sweetest” people can put you in a position that you should never have been a part of, and a situation that absolutely affects your own little family, although you know you’ll take the hits if it does.
Complicated, I know. Not a situation I care to elaborate on, and a situation that, if it had occurred a few months ago, would have possibly really hurt. In saying that, it did really hurt. Really, really hurt. Being lied to and made to feel like a fool by someone you would have considered a close friend is a pretty stink feeling. Having someone who held your hand while you hurt, and watched your beautiful babe’s little life being turned upside down, only to find out they were well and truly never on your side is not nice.
This is the thing though; you cannot help who you love. That is a beautiful fact of life. Things that are meant to be will always be. People that are meant to be will always find each other. Friendships that are meant to last will withstand absolutely everything, anything, always. At the end of the day we are all selfish in some way, in a good way. We are all just looking for the missing pieces, someone to share the good life with, someone who will provide for our families, and someone who just makes sense. You can’t begrudge decisions made by the heart. It is a beautiful, beautiful thing.
Out of all of this, the most important thing I have learned is no one, and I mean absolutely no one, has any obligation to keep Emmy’s best interests at heart. No one else in this world wakes up every morning and needs to make the best decisions for a life based around her. No one else is required to plan her future and make sure that everything they do will benefit her. It is no one else’s calling but mine. No one else in this world will ever need to factor her in to every decision they make, no one has to double check if everything will work for her, and no one will ever be asked to make more sacrifices for her than I will.
That doesn’t mean that her life is not filled with people who love her completely. This girl is incredibly easy to love and she has brought the most amazing people into both of our lives. She has grandparents, aunts and uncles a plenty, fun loving cousins and friends who treat her like a novelty because she’s so small, my own friends,my own cousins, all packed into a very fulfilled life. It is impossible to not want to spend more time with her. She is the highlight of so many people’s days and watching her be loved keeps my heart very happy.
But I am her only person.
How lucky does that make me? For too many years I dreamed, and prayed, and cried for someone to change my name to Mummy. She did it. With a perfect 10 Apgar score, and instant immunity to my many, many happy tears, she did it. She was my very first lesson in achieving the impossible, and although I knew she would change my life, I had no idea just how much.
Something else our time together has taught me is that things always turn out best for people who make the most out of the way things turn out.
Realistically we could have given up eons ago. Things haven’t always been all that amazing for us. People have come and gone, jobs have come and gone, lots has gone wrong, we’ve been so close to broke too many times, and too much has been asked of us by too many people who should have known better.
But through it all, we have loved each other. At the end of every single day I have been able to kiss her little face and know that she is worth everything. Even during the worst of times she has looked at me with her innocent little beady eyes and put my heart at ease. Among all of the imperfect days we have had more than our fair share of perfect moments. For everything that didn’t go our way, it was to make way for something better. For every bit of sadness we have had a thousand more moments of pure happiness.
So, we’re committed to making the best of every moment because we know that we can. We’re looking forward together, planning together, and just being together. When we look into our future, we’re not looking to see who’s there. We’re looking ahead knowing that everyone that is meant to be there will be there, and that we will be there together too. We’re planning ahead to see how far we can get, how many smiles we can share among friends, and how much happier we can be. Together.
I know I’ve talked about how much we want to see our own country, and we’re doing that. We’re currently running on East Coast time, in our jarmies at lunchtime, and planning our next adventure that starts in 6 short days. We’re trolling groupon, and GrabOne, and BookMe to get better deals on all of the places we need to visit, and booking accommodation through Air B&B and backpackers. By the time we’re finished this little roadtrip we would have travelled well over 2,500kms, been to so many new towns that Emmy has never seen, and visited a fair few of our nations treasures. And parliament. Not sure if that counts are a treasure. We’ll see.
Our next trip is to the snow. We’ve run out of days this time around, so in the dead of winter we’ll be ski-bound. Snow angels, Olaf’s of every kind, chair lifts, hot chocolates, that kind of thing.
Then we’re going to Queenstown sometime in the new year. We’re going in the summer so we can comfortably live in a campervan (hopefully our own new campervan by then, watch this space) without the risk of frostbite.
During all of this we’ll be moving, writing, starting Kindy, enrolling at school (Em, not me again. Ever!). While I’m packing, Em will no doubt be slowing down the process by rummaging and snacking and generally being messy. While I’m writing, Em will be learning how to read and write all by herself. While Em’s starting Kindy, I’ll be the mum at the door crying because I miss her. While I’m enrolling Em at school, she’ll be proving that she’s always going to be more ready than me. And in between all of this we’ll be hanging out together. Just living the life we never knew we could have because I used to be too afraid to dream too big.
Biggest excitement to come?
We’re off to Hawaii!!!!!!!!!